Letter From an Apologetic Christian

As your stereotypical angry atheist, one thing I constantly fume about is the lack of apologies from Christians. Every time I see someone on the street with a cross necklace, I wonder why they aren’t apologizing profusely for their terrible lies about atheists and crude proselytizing efforts.

I recently received an email from a Christian reader who had stumbled upon my site (from a search engine, not StumbleUpon) and felt the need to apologize for the Christians that had tainted my view of his obviously superior belief system. Basically, he sounds like a pompous, arrogant asshat throughout.

Hi, my name is Marcus and I stumbled upon your site while looking for the names of God, of all things. I am a christian, but before you disregard this email and move on I wanted to tell you something. I am truly and deeply sorry. I in no way think that this email will turn you into a Christian… that would be ignorant and stupid. I just want to say sorry. I am sorry for all the Christians you have met that have looked down on you. The ones that have yelled at you for your beliefs or tried degrading or chastising you for them. I respect you, that’s not something you hear a lot from Christians I’m sure, but it is true. With all the hypocrites out there, the “God Warrior“, the church that claims “God Hates Fags”, as well as many, many others, I truly do understand why you don’t believe… truth is, Christians are supposed to not hate but I come very close to hating Christians a lot. So once again, I am sorry, for my own behavior and everyone elses. I will be praying for you, I know you won’t want me to, but I will anyway.

I added emphasis on the parts that I believe contradict each other. This guy knows that I don’t want to be prayed for, yet he’s gonna do it anyway. How is that not looking down on me? How is that NOT disrespecting me? He didn’t have to tell me he was going to pray for me, and I would have never known. Of course, neither would anyone else, since he’d be talking to himself.

I don’t personally care for his apology, but if you’d like to accept his apology and thank him for his sincerity, drop him a line at m.spartan001@gmail.com.

FarmVille Hates Baby Jesus!

farmvilleFor those of you who are not familiar with FarmVille, it is a game on the social networking site Facebook. For those of you who are not familiar with Facebook, I’m not sure this whole internet thing is for you. Anyway, FarmVille allows users to create virtual farms with crops, animals, trees, and buildings. One of the ways the developers keep the game fresh is to introduce seasonal items for users to purchase with in-game currency. In the past, these have included Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving-themed animals and decorations. It would stand to reason then, that the Christmas holiday would also have a prominent theme.

The application has drawn some criticism in the past from users in countries other than the United States because their local cultures did not celebrate Halloween or Thanksgiving. Now, the complaints are coming from Christians who feel like FarmVille is desecrating their sacred commercial holiday by allowing users to place presents under a “holiday tree” in the game.

  1. The developers of FarmVille can do whatever they want. Just because it’s known as a Christmas tree to you and millions of others does not mean that they can’t call it a “holiday tree.” If you don’t like it, unadd their application. It’s just a pointless time waster anyway.
  2. I personally think changing “Christmas” to “Holiday” is stupid. I celebrate Christmas as a time to be with family and enjoy gift exchange. The origin is not relevant to my celebration or my choice of nomenclature.
  3. Speaking of origins, many Christians fail to pause and consider how exactly it is that an evergreen tree and a fat elf dressed in red came to be a part of the baby Jesus story. These traditions have Pagan roots and are a result of Christian efforts to assimilate Pagans into Christianity.
  4. Why do Christians get so bent out of shape because someone chooses to secularize a portion of this tradition? I don’t think baby Jesus would have thought much of the mad rushes on Black Friday, gluttony, and egg nog. Christmas is, and for a long time has been, a secular holiday. There are just those that still preserve some religious aspects of it.
  5. Shut up! You are not being persecuted!

My friend Megan, who apparently enjoys headaches, emailed one of the upset FarmVille users to call him out on his stupidity. Expecting nothing less, I was not at all shocked to read his reply to Megan, which was also incoherent, poorly worded, and off-topic. He accused her of bigotry and hatemongering, all the while spewing an equal amount of vitriol at non-believers. Megan wrote him back proving that she has more patience than I. Here is his first reply to Megan, supposedly addressing how the Christmas tree is in fact a Christian symbol.

There is no other source of origin of the traditional Christmas tree other than Christian culture, in fact the entire ‘holiday season” is based on our Christian heritage.

Perhaps if you would like to create another holiday season, choose another shrub and decorate it with non- tradtional Christian decorations, such as free condoms, free needles, government vouchers for things like government housing, government cheese etc.

Or just don’t bother having a holiday season at all, after all, there is no logical reason to have one if you aren’t a Christian. It’s a shame that this country’s Christian culture is being destroyed in the name of “respect for other cultures”, which is nothing but a bloody lie. After all, to respect other cultures would mean respecting our own Christian culture- which is the foundation of this nation- as well.

There is no “War on Christmas.” However, there does seem to be a war being waged by Christians called the “War on Everything that Doesn’t Align With My Worldview.” This is a free market economy (for the most part). If some retailer says “Holiday Sale” instead of “Christmas Sale” and it makes you angry – Don’t Fucking Shop There! If a radio station only plays Santa-themed Christmas songs and no Jesus-themed Christmas songs – Don’t Fucking Listen to Them! And for crying out loud, if some dumb Facebook game calls their seasonal fir something different than you would like – Don’t Fucking Play It!

Christians need to stop trying to get everyone to bend to their will. If these companies really want their business badly enough, they’ll change their ways. Otherwise, Christians need to realize that perhaps they need to choose their battles a little more wisely.

So go spray fake snow on your windows, string up thousands of lights on your house, put large curved and extruded peppermints on your lawn, drink egg nog until you barf, and listen to Bing Crosby sing “Home for the Holidays” and reflect on how all of that fits into baby Jesus’ grand scheme.

Warning: This post contained strong language.

New Conversion Tactic: Lies and Trickery

I found this video at The Good Atheist thanks to a tweet from @deanpence. I had tweeted asking for nominations for a new poll — “Creepiest fundie pastor?” — and @deanpence found the following video to be on the top of his list.

This guy is an Egyptian Muslim cleric named Mahmoud Al-Misri. His monologue starts out innocently enough with reminding Muslims not to be tough on sinners but give them treatment like a doctor cares for the sick. Pretty common religious malarkey. But then the BIG REVEAL! Don’t be tough on them, just outright lie to them and threaten them with torture and death!

If I hear another person ever claim that Islam is a “religion of peace”, I am liable to lose my shit.